Many years ago a rather weird person with some rather quirky views told me something which struck a chord with me and I have never forgotten it. It is simply this : "You cannot control your emotions, but you can control your actions!" Being twenty-something at the time, of course I argued furiously that it was impossible to put this sage advice into practise. The more we debated the subject, the more I understood what he was trying to explain to me, and finally the penny dropped!
It appears that we get grumpy and annoyed when people do not behave or react in a way that we expect them to, and our first instinct seems to be to want to bully, manipulate, humiliate or somehow force them into conforming to our expectations of them. Why do we do that?
Your children may not phone you regularly once a week and tell you how grateful they are that you have done such a wonderful job in raising them and providing a special life for them; this lack of recognition for all you have done for them makes you feel ever so slightly neglected, hurt and abandoned. Those are your feelings and there is nothing you can do about it so your response is to pick up the phone, berate your kids for being such poor excuses of human beings, remind them how long you were in labour, the sacrifices you made to raise them, tearfully remind them that you are their mother and why are they so ungrateful! Why do we do that? Sure, you could guilt them into phoning you more often, but are the conversations likely to be warm and fuzzy with lots of information being shared about your lives? Or are the phone calls likely to be cold and stilted .. screaming very loudly that this is a "duty call" to hopefully stop your whining and another berating phone call? I have often wondered why parents are so surprised that their kids have turned out exactly the way they were raised.....
Relationships are hard, there is no doubt about it. Whether it be the relationship with your family, friends, boss or employees - it does not matter, its tough making things work when you are dealing with something that has a mind of its own. But somehow we tend to forget that they are human and nobody likes to be humiliated by being scolded, reprimanded or yelled at in in front of others. A few years ago I visited an acquaintace at her home, and was mortified when she laid into her domestic worker in my presence for some perceived mishap. And then had the gall to complain bitterly about her domestic worker's "surly and sullen" attitude!!! Why do we do that?
A friend of mine got divorced a long time ago and I attended the court case with her. Spending the morning in a divorce court is not a pleasant place to be as you sit and listen to years of "happily ever after" being obliterated by a few sentences. What got to me was the number of divorces of couples who had been married for 35/40 years being granted for what seemed inane reasons. I always thought that if you had been married that long, surely you had sorted out the wrinkles by then and learned to live with each other's foibles? It has only been recently that I think I understand what drives people to seek a divorce from their partner .... and although there are no scars, the wounds run no less deep. The culprit? The partner who continually berates, belittles and is anything but loving and supportive... particulary when there is an audience! Why do they always seem to wait until you are in company to point out your errors or shortcomings? You cannot make yourself look better by breaking someone else down and this seems to be a rather weird syndrome with some couples at odds with their relationship. They throw out barbs at each other like a mini dart competition, so see who can belittle the other the most. And if not done openly, they complain to anyone who is forced into their company about their partners' shortcomings. Why do we do that?
So when did it become so hard to just be kind to the people who surround us? Do we somehow feel that showing some kindness to someone we care about, work with or live with, is now viewed as weakness or are we so hell-bent on ensuring that they understand exactly who is in control? Most odd.
I dont have the answers but to borrow a favourite saying from Ian, "there is enough s***t out there without bringing it into the house". Why not just be kind for a while and see if there is a difference in attitude of those who share your world? Its not that hard, and you might just be pleasantly surprised when it comes back at you tenfold:)
Why dont we do that?
You can't control your emotions but you
can control your actions,
