Isolation

To my friend who feels isolated and disconnected from the world .....

 

The comment you made about feeling isolated and disconnected from the world, struck a chord and got me thinking about isolation in its various formats. For a while I tried putting myself in your shoes and trying to imagine what it would be like until I realised it was a useless exercise and I was getting nowhere fast, because simply, I am not you.

But the question remained, what if I was in a similar situation and had to learn to deal with it? What would I need to help me survive the loneliness and isolation? Although way more gregarious than you and able to make contact with just about any human being, what if that was not an option? What would I need more than anything else?

Remembering my unholy fear of being locked up as a child and later as teenager at the trade school, even contemplating being isolated was a terrifying thought. If all I had to keep me going was my thoughts and wherever they took me; memories would play a huge role and of course the all time favourite – picking holes in my own life. I would play judge, jury and executioner.

There are things I have done for which I am ashamed and often wished I had handled differently. There were times when I was not interested in being the best I could be and spent too much time wallowing in self pity; blaming the whole world for my misery instead of taking responsibility for my actions. And there were the times that my life was consumed with vengeance aimed at people who I perceived had harmed me in some way. I wasted precious time plotting their downfall instead of channelling my energies into more positive things. But that was then.

I would hope that the one responsible for keeping the balances in my book of life would recognise that those incidents were part of my earlier life. And that with time, thoughts of vengeance were replaced with possibilities of improving the lives my life touched. I would hope that in the final analysis, I had somehow atoned for previous disasters that were of my doing; and that later, in my passing had left a positive and not a negative influence on some lives.

And that is perhaps what all this is about – your influence on those lives that your life has touched. In some instances the influence has been for many years, in others but a brief period of time. When you look back at your life I am sure you find places that you are not very happy about, other places you look back with joy and satisfaction that things have turned out well.

 

And if you were ever in doubt – you need to know that in touching my life you left behind a legacy of hope, dreams, optimism and above all else, the ability to love. These things were sorely lacking at the time you came along and decided to let me become part of your life. Whether it was your intention or not, by being the kind of person you are and showing me that there could be alternatives, you made a difference in my life. In spite of the rocky places, the residue remains positive and that is the thought that should provide you with some comfort.

Having read the 10 Lessons of life compiled by people who work with the dying, I wondered why it is that we never make use of the opportunities that are presented to us. We always seem to leave it till tomorrow and then discover to our horror that it is too late. The person has moved on, died or even worse - no longer cares. Having told you of my experience with my mother, I think you understand where I am coming from and that saying stuff while it could make a difference is better than living with the guilt later on.

You need to remember that you are loved - by your family, your friends and by me. There seems to be some hesitation in the minds of people in the use of the word “love” as if there is some stigma attached to it. It does not only apply to the love between a man and a woman, but between a parent and child, dear friends and on occasion referring to someone who is more than a friend but less than a lover; not quite a soul mate, but someone who knows your strengths and weaknesses, knows how your mind works and your deepest fears. If you were no longer part of my life, I would mourn the loss of our friendship, but more than that, will never be able to forget you and your influence on my life.

I am not ashamed to admit my feelings for you, denying them would be similar to denying you and the role you have played in making a positive difference in my life. But there is a small difference; my love is not possessive or restricting and has no expectations or limitations. As you gave me the freedom and confidence to explore new boundaries, you too are free to pursue whatever dream brings you joy and happiness, and makes your life more fulfilling.

I have never wanted the responsibility for another human being’s happiness and do not accept responsibility for yours. If I am able to in some way, be a positive aspect in your life – I would be happy to be that. I do not expect to actually get it right, but am too stubborn to quit trying. I believe I am an exceptional friend to have – only you would have to be willing to accept my friendship in all it’s shapes and formats.

If this helps to ease the sense of isolation, I am glad it has served some purpose. There is  one more thing I need to add, look around your world and see how bright the sun shines, how cool the rain on your face and realise that you are part of this world and we miss you.